Imperfect Mommy » Blog Archive » An AWOL soldier in the Mommy Wars

June 19, 2006 | Filed in: Random Thoughts

I really tried to read Linda Hirshman’s piece in the Washington Post (”Unleashing the Wrath of Stay-at-Home Moms”) without bias. I really wanted to understand where she was coming from after inciting near riots by arguing that women should not give up their careers to raise children. She summarizes her piece in the American Prospect by saying:

“…(I said that) women who quit their jobs to stay home with their children were making a mistake. Worse, I said that the tasks of housekeeping and child rearing were not worthy of the full time and talents of intelligent and educated human beings. They do not require a great intellect, they are not honored and they do not involve risks and the rewards that risk brings.”

She focuses the piece on how irate people got with the article and how angry she made the stay-at-home mom community… and in the same turn, how she received very little feedback from working mothers who were happy that someone had finally validated their choices. I really tried to read it.

I really tried to identify. But I couldn’t. She had already tried to pigeon-hole me in a stay at home mommy category — which I am sure she imagines as scheduling playdates on iCal and focusing very little on my own intellectual development.

Call me a quitter. I did quit my job after three plus years of near nervous breakdowns trying to find the right balance. The right balance between working in the office and working from home. The right balance between how much breastmilk I could possibly pump and how much time I could possibly be crafting proposals and sitting in meetings. The right balance between safe and quality childcare and time spent with mommy and baby together.

I never found it. I had bosses who didn’t understand the notion of a female professional who pumped her breasts while they were pounding their chests. I had to give up my management title, I had to take a pay cut, I had to fight for my work from home time. And childcare, as we all know, is a wild roller coaster with a tendency to make you feel like throwing up on a daily basis. I had babysitters who didn’t show up, babysitters who decided they were going back to school, and daycares who were lax in respecting my daughter’s food allergies. I found no balance, and my sanity was getting crushed day-in, day-out in the fulcrum of that seesaw.

So I quit. But I never gave up my professional outlets. I continued to consult and have focused a lot of my energy on writing, while taking care of my now four year old daughter (with a second baby on the way). Now, granted my writing primarily occurs in the blogosphere, something that Hirshman doesn’t seem to really respect as evidenced by this quote in the piece:

“I heard from women, all right. But not from as many female CEOs (not like there are so many female CEOs) as mommy bloggers, out there in cyberspace documenting their lives for one another.”

So, I guess she has just pretty much invalidated something very important to me by saying that I am just out there in “cyberspace” (strange, it feels like Pennsylvania to me) documenting the boring details of my life for the sole benefit of other mommy bloggers. I know what I do isn’t considered by her, and many, to be “real” writing. But as I sit here and type these letters, it feels like writing to me. Yep, “asdf, jkl, semi” — it’s the same keyboard. This bias is the same old school thinking that I encountered in academia — publishing a paper in an online journal isn’t worth as much as one published on real, tree-kiling paper. Never mind that those old biases are changing as we speak. Never mind Web 2.0. That’s another subject.

Readers self select those blogs that they identify with. They choose writers who they have something in common with. They find posts that make them think “thank God, there is someone else out there experiencing this and I may not be as entirely loco as I am telling myself.” So, yes we are supporting each other with the minute details of our lives. And that is a very, very good thing. Everyone else tells us we are doing something wrong — as evidenced by the latest uproar over the federally-funded advertisements about breastfeeding. Working too much, too little, breastfeeding in public, not breastfeeding enough, vaccinating, not vaccinating, watching too much TV, not stimulating creativity enough. You name it. Mothers are getting bombarded by people telling them that their unique choices, usually made after countless hours of stewing over the decisions, are all wrong. So, when we find a (dare I say it) mommy blogger that we identify with, it’s like we have come home. We have comfort, we have support, and we have someone who can finally understand how freaking hard it all is.

Never mind that I don’t just write about the boring details of my life. I am writing about, what I consider to be, the academic subject of motherhood. Not that anyone would ever really study it, but it means a whole lot to those of us who are involved in it. I write about how society has expectations of us, but gives us no support. How they make us feel tremendously guilty if we don’t breastfeed long enough, but they would never think about paid maternity leave or flex time to make it easier to accomplish breastfeeding. I document the thoughts and stories of my daughter as she develops into a little girl. I write about what’s going on in the world. I write about my daughter’s severe food allergies and how we deal with them (which you tell me is invaluable). I write about politics. And contrary to what Hirshman thinks, I am not ultra-religious or conservative (she states that much of the backlash to her words has come from the religious right). In fact, I am very liberal and stand up for women in every way.

But, Linda (can I call you Linda?), someone has to raise the children. When we choose to have a child, we are taking on a responsibility to that child — and no one helps us with this responsibility. A responsibility that means I will love her and care for her and educate her. And yes, reading Hop on Pop ten times in a row and wiping her sticky face and cleaning up a bag of spilled marbles is probably “below” my intellectual potential. But, I’m sorry, it’s still part of my responsibility. If I had more support and stayed in the 8-5 workforce, I would still have to do those things. I am truly happy for those women who find quality, loving care which enables them to continue to fight the battles in the workplace. I guess I am an AWOL soldier in the fight to change all of the inequity that I listed previously. But I am a human being with only so much capacity to fight the fight.

She finishes up by saying, “I guess working women are too busy at work to blog about their lives and are already on their way to their jobs when “Good Morning America” puts me on at 8 a.m.” I am a working woman. I consult and write while my daughter is at preschool or asleep or playing intently with her Polly Pockets. I blog when I damn well feel like it to support and feel supported by the larger community of mothers. And I am usually feeding my daughter breakfast and tying her shoes and shuttling her to school while GMA is on. Sorry, I generally don’t get too much TV time.

Somehow I don’t feel like I have abandoned my potential. Somehow I feel like I have never challenged it in such a huge way.

15 Comments so far
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I somehow found myself on your bog site this morning and I love the Author Warning section, that’s great. I have a business that I work from home and I would absolutely love to tell you more about it. You seem fed up with the insane demands of working and raising kids but you’re totally driven to be more than mom somedays…

I started my business just 6 months ago because I was looking for a way to keep my brain busy and it’s turning into more than I could have imagined. Check it out online and even if you’re still unsure get in touch with me and I can answer any questions you have. I’m not emailing you randomly, I really love talking to other moms and sharing experiences. I live in Philly and I have an 11 month old, Anthony. Hope you check it out!

Sara Buonopane
http://www.arbonne.com
sarabuonopane@gmail.com

Wench! and I wanted to use stronger terms but wasn’t sure how that would go. (not you, that Linda chick) I was a stay at home mom for 10 years and I wouldn’t give it up for the world. Does this Linda realize all it takes to run a household, raise kids, budget and pay bills, and still make time to stimulate yourself with other adults? There would be days that the only adult I talked to would be when the phone rang and I croaked out a “hello” to my husband because it was the first thing I had said that day other than baby cooing. Now with my kids 15 and 9 and having to have had to work for the last 4 years or so, full and part time, and still doing all the work I did as a stay at home mom, I wish everyday, that I could still be at home with the kids. Yeah, they are more independant and help out now alot along with the hubby, but there are days that go by where I wonder if when I am doing all my running around trying to get the rest of the “household” things done that are needed to get done, and trying to spend quality time with the family, and still find time for myself, that I am not totally crazy. Being a wife and stay at home mother, plus now a part time working mother (which I choose part time so that I have time for the family) has been the most challenging and stimulating thing I’ve ever done. Its been my dream job to raise a family with the same man that I’ve loved since high school. I would not change a thing. Maybe Linda should rethink her words a bit and open her mind to the possibility that both sets of moms, working and stay at home, have hard, rewarding jobs. Or maybe my origional comment was correct. She’s just a wench.

I enjoyed your piece. Would you care to expand on your idea of “…how society has expectations of us, but gives us no support?” Compared to other countries, the US has a much less family friendly environment (work and non-work related) In addition, there are almost no political groups who represent young parents to lobby for family friendly laws i.e. nanny visas, 1 yr maternity/paternity leave etc.

Given your views and your balanced approach - I would love to hear more from you regarding how our society as a whole need to change to be more supportive to family life.

Thanks

AMEN SISTA! And WHO does Linda assume is caring for these children while she works? I’ll tell you- the best daycares have (GASP) college educated women changing diapers and tying shoes. I know, I spent 10 years working in one. Does that make my degree less valid because I chose to do this instead of something else?

People like Linda really make me angry. I am glad I can stay home most women don’t get that choice. I am lucky to have a husband that supports me staying at home.

Bravo.

Have you blogged your message to Linda? I think you should. It is articulate and fair.

As a soon-to-be first time mom, I am debating the option of working or staying home and honestly, staying home is winning out. Not only for reasons of convenience, breastfeeding, time with child etc…but fiscally it makes sense. To put a child in daycare is $500 extra dollars a month. When that is about half of your check each month, it just doesn’t make sense to work.

I find it sad that the “feminist” community has nothing better to do with their time then attack one another and their life choices. Advocates for women have often shot themselves in the foot by criticizing rather than validating or like you have said, offereing workable solutions and realistic support.

At the risk of angering others, I compare it to the critical look at gay marriage. There is so much hate in the world, why does society spend so much time attacking love? Well, there are so many children to love, why spend time attacking those that give it…in various ways and means..as long as they give?

I’m tired of hearing about stay-at-home moms and working moms. What about CHILDLESS moms, such as myself? Why doesn’t anyone want to talk about us? Do you think homeschooling a hamster AND a rabbit is easy with my work schedule? Well?

Uh, I guess what I mean to say is, this must be one of those emotional hot-button mom issues that I don’t get yet, judging from the reaction this Hirshman person has gotten. To me it’s all so ridiculous. DO WHAT YOU WANT. PARENT THE WAY YOU LIKE. DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS. But something tells me that the issue will get much much more complex when I actually become a parent myself, if I ever do. I may just stick with the rabbit. Experts don’t seem interested in weighing in on rabbits, and something tells me I kind of like it that way!

BRAVO! I could not have said that better if I tried!! Taking care of our children is just as important as being in the “working world”.

To each her own I say!

I’ve heard her do interviews a few times and I think she’s full of sh*t. Her idea that I’m hurting “society” but being an at-home mom makes me so mad i could spit.

I love your response to this, and I have seen many. (I’m still to enraged to formulate my own, and I’m not a sahm either.)

I agree with what I think you and Rebecca are getting at: It’s so easy to condemn mothers for staying home when we’re not given too many alternatives by the workforce.

I suppose she also missed the boat on one very important aspect of parenting blogs: we’re not documenting our lives for each other as much as we are for ourselves. It always bothers me when writers feel the need to put down other writers. There are so many people who talk about writing but never get around to it, and I just love how this gives people a format to do so; however amateur it may be.

Of course this all takes a backseat to the fact that if Hirshman truly believes what she’s saying, and it’s not just a page out of the Ann Coulter let’s-inflame-the-masses-to-sell-a-few-books handbook, that’s she’s a complete and utter douchebag.

Excellent. I would just add that teaching your daughter to read and clean and take care of herself is living above your abilities! Motherhood demands all that you bring to it.

i work AND blog and do lots of stuff. but that’s because if i stayed at home all day long with my child, I WOULD KILL THEM. i honestly think it’s a rare person who can stay home with their kids all day and still remain sane AND happy. so bravo to all of you who can do it!

[...] I have read many intersting blog articles regarding Linda Hirshman’s opinion piece. These different posts are more eloquent and insightful than anything I could write, so I’m not going to reiterate the points made in them. I encourage you to read at least the first one in the list. Geeky Mom Imperfect Mommy Maternal Digressions Republic of Heaven [...]

I did not read the article. No time for such disregard for women who choose to stay home to raise their children. I stayed home full time for 5 years and then worked part time when my husband was home to care for the kids for the next 6 years. It was a nice balance.

This past year I have worked full time, eaten too many take out dinners, missed too many kids school events, been too tired to give my kids the attention they deserve when I am home (”Mommy just worked all day, she is TIIIIRED”). Yes, we had extra money for all the ‘extras’. Was it worth it? Not so sure.

My kids’ grades have dropped, my house is always in need of attention, My dogs have gotten fat from lack of exercise (me too) and I am darn tired. All the time.

I am glad working outside the home works for some women but it certainly hasn’t worked for me. We all make our choices I guess. I just feel thankful I have the financial choice to go back to part time employment in August.

Whatever works for each individual family WORKS.

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