My boys love to watch Food Network shows. What could be better than watching cooking shows – no nudity to worry about, hardly any profanity and that’s always bleeped, no crazy yellow sponges spinning them into the outer-stratosphere of silliness – just wholesome, family TV. This will be great, I thought. If they watch Food Network, it will make it easier to introduce the kids to new foods and get them to try a variety of cuisines. What I hadn’t counted on was being Chopped.
Seems my sons have decided that they are food critics. Apparently, after watching countless episodes of Chopped, my sons now believe that they have enough culinary knowledge to “critique” my meals.
“Hmm, nice presentation. A variety of colors to brighten the plate,” Nic says as I place his dinner in front of him.
“Well,” chimes in Aaron, ” I agree, to some degree. Personally, I think there is a little too much brown on the plate.”
“That’s just because you don’t like breading on your chicken,” responds Nic flatly.
“Are these those funny white mushrooms from the yard,” Nic asks, accusingly.
“No, ” I say. “Those are white asparagus. Like they had on Chopped. You said you would try them.”
“I didn’t say I’d eat them,” says Nic.
“They give you stinky pee,”adds Aaron.
“Just try them,” my hopes of expanding their food repertoire waning.
“Yuck. I mean, you didn’t do anything to elevate the asparagus. They just taste like grass,” Nic states authoritatively as he spits out the asparagus.
“And, they make your pee stink.” adds Aaron again.
“Just eat your dinner.” I command.
“Interesting mix of spices. What is that cumin, coriander?” questions Nic.
“Salt and pepper,” I say, hoping to bring the commentary to an end.
“It smells like the foot cheese,” giggles Aaron. “Remember the guy with foot cheese?” he asks Nic as they both dissolve into giggles.
“Just. Eat. Your. Dinner.” I huff.
“But I don’t like breaded chicken or mushrooms,” Aaron pleads. “Hey, Nic, remember that Steve’s Song about mushrooms between your toes. It smells like foot and we have mushrooms, get it?” Aaron giggles. “I got mushrooms, I got mushrooms, I got mushrooms between my toes,” he sings driving himself into hysterics.
“They are not mushrooms, they are asparagus. And, nothing smells like foot. Now. EAT. YOUR. DINNER.”
After a moment of silence, Nic looks at me. “I’m sorry, Mom. But for this dinner, you’ve been Chopped.”
“Yeah, the judges agree.” adds Aaron.
I think from now on, we’ll just have hotdogs.