Tag Archives: funny

Apr 12 2013

Don’t Say That…Say This

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It was only a matter of time.  My sons are swearing like sailors, like rappers, like construction workers, like mothers.  It was bound to happen sooner or later.  They have been listening to me use “colorful language”, as my Mom likes to call it, since they were in theExpanding vocabulary womb.  Add a little exposure to pop music, then send them off to recess with other upper-elementary boys, and they have as good a cussing vocabulary as any adult.

Swearing is not something I fret over much.  It seems to be everywhere in our culture these days.  We reference certain words so much, their usage has been added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary.  Heck, even our Vice President has been heard dropping the f-bomb from time to time.

Still, I don’t enjoy hearing it from my kids.  Especially, since they rarely know what the swears mean.  I am also worried that it may get them in trouble at school.  If I treat it too casually, they might let a few of their choice words slip.  They might get away with that on the play ground, but the classroom would certainly be another story.

To help my kids out, I have started to devise a list of substitute words they can use instead of the traditional swears.  With this list, I hope to teach my children what the swears actually mean.   At the same time, I hope to provide them with words that have the same meaning as the swears but are more acceptable, perhaps.

Here are a few that I have added to my “Don’t Say That…Say This” list.

  • Don’t say fucking idiot; say fornicating fool.
  • Don’t say goddamned asshole; say anus cursed by a higher power.
  • Don’t say stupid bitch; say intellectually-challenged she dog.
  • Don’t say dumb bastard; say not so smart, father-free child.
  • Don’t say dick; say PENIS! with gusto.

I’m always looking for new ideas.  If you have any, I would love to hear them.

 

Apr 10 2013

Educational Toys

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Note: One of Mark’s gamers had given him a plastic cow toy that “poops” candy for Easter.cow

So, Mark came downstairs after gaming and found Kelly crouched down on the floor in the playroom. He paused to see what she was doing. She dropped a small foil-wrapped chocolate “basketball” between her legs onto the floor, and then looked behind her to watch it roll away. She did the same thing two more times before he realized what she was doing.

Mark: “Kelly, are you ‘pooping’ out chocolate balls?”

Kelly: “Yes!”

Of course she was. Because, Easter.

Apr 4 2013

Chicken Clucker

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So, Mark went to pick up Kelly after school today. She was complaining about something that happened at school when he chickenabruptly started clucking like a chicken (which he does whenever anyone complains a lot). Each time she continued her complaint he started clucking again.

Kelly: *laughing* “Daaaaaaad, you’re not a chicken!”

Mark: “Oh, yeah? What makes you think so?”

Kelly: “‘Cause you don’t have a pecker*!”

 

That would be Kelly for the win.

* a beak

Feb 26 2013

Sometimes There’s No Point in Intervening

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I came home yesterday to find Mark writing at the kitchen table while the kids were playing in the next room. So I went into the playroom to check on the kids first. David was on-line at the Club Penguin website, Kelly was pulling the guts out of her “Anatomical Man” figure, and Scott was wielding a Nerf sword.

Me: “Hey, whatcha’ guys up to?”whatsthepoint

Scott: “I’m gonna cut off Kelly’s penis!”

Me: “Oh, ok, carry on.”

Mark (who overheard this exchange): “This should be interesting. Are you going to stop him?”

Me: “No, I can’t imagine Kelly will be too bothered by it.”

Feb 19 2013

That Was Unexpected

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So, my friend, Denise, brought her daughter over for a playdate with my kids on Sunday. It was a snowy, windy, freezing day so the kids played indoors (mostly upstairs). This gave Denise and I a chance to practice our “auditory parenting” (i.e. distinguishing angry/hurt screams from happy screams and being alert for extended periods of suspicious silence).

Anyway, a couple of hours into the playdate this happened:

Kelly (coming downstairs grinning and wearing no pants): ”Mom, we’re playing doctor!”

Me: Uh… (*frantically searching for an appropriate response in my head*)

Kelly: “See, (indicating her leg which was encased in an American Girl Doll legging) this is my cast because I broke my leg!”

Me: Oh! What a great idea! (*incredible relief*)

That could have been awkward.

 

 

 

 

Feb 12 2013

A Houseful of Hummers…As in Humming…Gheez!

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The one thing you are most unlikely to find in my house is silence.  That’s not just because my boys talk incessantly.  It’s also because we are a houseful of hummers.  All day long, there is the sound of someone humming whatever tune is currently stuck in his, occasionally her, head.

untitled (2)

Adam Levine from Maroon 5
Darling But Definitely Overexposed

Like Nic.  Lately, he is stuck between Payphone by Maroon 5.  At breakfast, lunch and dinner, he is humming the song.  While he is in the bathroom, his bedroom, reading a book, he is humming the song.  Before I know it, I am humming it, too.  It is making me crazy.  I have been thinking of writing to Adam Levine to tell him about Nic continuously humming his songs.  Maybe Adam would show up at our house.  I could stare at him for awhile.  At least it would make listening to all this humming tolerable.

It’s not just Nic.  My husband, Ron, hums all the time, too.  Ron is one of those people who doesn’t even realize he is humming.  Most annoying of all, though, is imagesCA7NCOUCwhat Ron hums. imagesCA9ALJR0 Ron used to hum the theme songs to Thomas the Tank Engine and Chuggington to tease Aaron.  Eventually, they got so deep into his brain, that he hums them all the time now.  It has gotten so bad that even Aaron covers his ears when he hears it.  Worse is that when Ron isn’t humming the songs, he is whistling them.

Aaron hums, too, but his is that random humming that some people do.  It’s not a tune recognizable to anyone, else.  It is just a melody that is floating through his head.  If I start humming along with him, he will give me his Ben Franklin look.  He drops his chin and peers over his glasses.  “Mom, what do you think you are doing?”

“I’m humming along with you.”

“No offense or anything, Mom, but this song is in my head.  And, you are getting it all wrong.”

I, personally, prefer to sing.  But since my family doesn’t appreciate my vocal talents, I, too, have taken to humming.  I only hope they find it as annoying as I do.

Feb 10 2013

The 2013 Calendar Conundrum

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How hard can it possibly be to find a calendar to hang in the kitchen?  In this house, finding a 2013 calendar was quite the conundrum.  It all started when Jenny got me a calendar as part of my Christmas present.  The calendar is a collection of quotes from Sheldon of Big Bang Theory fame.   I was glad to have a calendar for the kitchen because I hadn’t gotten one yet.  I also love the Big Bang Theory and Sheldon.  It’s like a little glimpse into what our sons might be like in the future.  So, I was glad to get the calendar, that is, until I put it up

gravity

and saw this…fresh hell

and this.

 

 

Usually, this wouldn’t be such a big deal. When your kid looks at the dinner you placed in front of him and says, “Oh, what fresh hell is this?” and your other kid calls you a “heartless bitch” because you won’t let him use the computer, it becomes a big deal.  So, we moved the calendar to another room and covered up the quotes.

My husband brought home a new 2013 calendar for me to hang in the kitchen.  I opened it and laughed.  I also shook my head.  By now, I thought he would have known better.

sweater

Flowers, puppies, something benign! Instead, he brought home this…

 

 

 

 

 

which contained this.

ham

As you have probably already guessed, we haven’t been serving much ham around here since the kids saw this.  It’s kind of hard to choke down ham while you are giggling your head of and saying “You sly fox!” or “Ham in the oven!  Ha, ha, ha!”

Meanwhile, the month of January had gone by and I had missed 3 appointments because they weren’t on my kitchen calendar.  Don’t say it.  I know I am a dinosaur.  I don’t have a Smart Phone, Blackberry, Franklin Planner or a secretary.  I have my calendar and I like it.

Wanting me to not miss anything else, my husband tried to help with another calendar.  They were on sale at the university bookstore where he teaches, so he bought three.  A Peeps calendar, an Awkward Pet Photos calendar and a calendar with beautiful pictures of Tuscany.  “You pick the one you want and I’ll take one of the others to the office,” he told me.

I knew the calendar of Tuscany was the safest one to put in the kitchen.  Seriously, what could the kids find funny about pictures of Tuscany?  At the same time, I really didn’t want people going to my husband’s office and seeing this…

peep

or this.  awkward

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nic and Aaron oddly enough did laugh at The Peeps Show calendar.  They thought it was cute and interesting, and, gratefully, did not get the play on words.  They were enjoying the scenes of Peeps in the Mario Bros. game and at the Mad Hatter’s tea party.

side storygood night

 

 

 

 

 

 

My personal favorites are the scenes from Peep Side Story and Goodnight, Peeps.  Nic asked me if he could have the calendar for his room.  Aaron already had a Cars calendar.  How could I say no.  So, off went Nic and Aaron to thoroughly inspect every scene for every month for the year.

That left me with this.

awkward

At least, I haven’t missed anymore appointments.

 

 

 

 

Jan 14 2013

My Husband and I Can’t Communicate About This and That

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If communication is supposed to be the hallmark of a strong marriage, I think my husband and I are in trouble.  It’s not that we don’t talk to each other. We probably talk to each other too much.  Our communication problems aren’t about anything specific.  It’s mostly a lot of “this” and “that”.

Like the other night, when we were watching TV.  My husband suddenly starts waving his hand at me.

“Ssh,shh,shush!”

Now, I haven’t said a word, so he’s not shushing me. After all the years of being married to him, though, I know that shushing and hand waving while watching TV means “turn the volume down.”

I mute the television and I wait.

“Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“That sound,” he says.  I can hear the annoyance in his voice.

“Well, of course, it’s a sound,” I say, my annoyance equally apparent.  “If I was supposed to HEAR it; it must be a sound.”

“So, did you hear it?”

“Hear what?” I ask again.”

“If I knew what it was, I wouldn’t be asking you!”thCA0QF4W2

“Could you narrow it down a little?  I mean, what kind of sound is it?”

“I don’t know.  It’s kind of…wait, there it is.  Did you hear it?”

“Well, let’s see.  I hear a hum from the TV.  The motor on the frig is running.  The furnace just went on.  Nic is snoring to wake the dead.  And, I think I heard one of the neighbors’ dogs barking.  Was it any of those sounds?”

“No.”

“Then I didn’t hear it.”

“Oh,” he says giving a shrug.  “Why is the TV on mute? I can’t hear it.”

It’s not just “that”, that is causing us trouble.  We’re also having problems with “this”.

At least once a day, we will have a conversation that goes something like, well, this.

“Do you know what this is?” my husband yells from another room.

“What what is?” I yell back from inside the dryer.

“This!” I still don’t know what it is but I can tell from his voice that he must be pointing.

“If I can’t see it, I can’t tell you what it is. Can you describe it?”

“Never mind.”

My favorite of these conversations, though, is when my husband is looking for a snack.

Staring into the snack cabinet, my husband let’s out a loud sigh.  “Do we have anymore of that stuff?”

“Which stuff?”

“That stuff we had the other night?”

I reach past him into the cabinet. “Do you mean this stuff?”

“No, that’s not the stuff?”

“Is it this stuff?” I say pulling out another bag.

“No, that’s not it either.”

“Do you remember what it was called?” I ask, growing tired of the hunt and the conversation.

“Never-mind,” he says with another sigh.  “I’ll just have some of that.”

I had him that last bag I took from the cabinet.

He sighs again. “No.  I meant this,” he says as he takes the first bag from my hands.

I think if we are going to make it through another 12 years, my husband and I better stick to using nouns.

 

Dec 24 2012

Things My Mother-in-Law Says…

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(I really need to start a new page under this title.)

So, I was reading the headlines out loud from Fark for my husband and mother-in-law while they were making dinner. (If you aren’t familiar with Fark.com it is worth checking out). Anyway, one of the headlines started this way: “Doctor Finds a 77-pound ovarian tumor…” And my mother-in-law’s response? “Wow, was that in a man or a woman?”

Ovarian tumor.

Ovarian.

I have no words…

In other news, have a happy holidays, y’all! This is the first Christmas for this blog. We are deeply appreciative to everyone who stops by to check out our blog, our regular readers, and our commenters. :)

Be good to one another and bring us some good stories. Share in the comments.

Nov 23 2012

The Real Black Friday

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These retailers may think that Black Friday is some new, big shopping day, but we have had Black Friday in our house ever since the kids started talking.  Well, actually, ever since the kids started talking back.

Yes, in a short 24 hours, probably less, from the time that we have sat around the table saying how thankful we are for each, the mood will have taken a definite turn.  The joy and good feelings of Thursday will have dissolved into the cranky darkness of our Black Friday. 

Like participants of that other Black Friday, I will be up way too early.  Unlike those participants, I will not be racing out the door to get my hands on some amazing bargains. (Okay, they won’t either – be getting amazing bargains, that is, but I don’t want to ruin their fun.)  I will be up because Nic, who can never get out of bed in the morning for school, has decided that 5:30 a.m. is the exact time that he needs to know why Greg Heffley’s  (Diary of a Wimpy Kid) Aunt Loretta showed up too early for Thanksgiving dinner.  Did she ruin the whole day?  Do we have an Aunt Loretta?

By the time I quiet Nic down, it is too late to go back to sleep.   Aaron will have joined us downstairs.  He will want to know why are we talking about Diary of a Wimpy Kid.  He will admonish his brother for having brought up Thanksgiving because “that was soooooo yesterday.”   I will tell both boys that they need to go back to bed. 

When their whining that they are not tired and insisting that they could not possibly go back to sleep gets even louder than their father’s and grandmother’s snoring, I will fold.  Like the Black Friday shopper who got caught in the automatic doors at Wal-Mart (okay, I made that up), I will be squished between my boys on the couch.  Both of them vying for my attention.  Aaron will literally be pulling my eyelids up to make sure I don’t fall asleep.  Nic will be asking me if he can use the computer though he knows his grandmother is sleeping in that room.

By the time my husband and mother-in-law wake, long after the Early Bird Door-Busters have expired, my Thanksgiving gratefulness will be wearing thin.  The first,”No coffee?” muttered by husband will be met with a murderous, though sleepy, stare.  In the kitchen, I am greeted by all the dishes left from late-night turkey sandwiches and one-last-pieces of pie.  I push them aside so I can fill the coffeepot with water.  The black liquid will be my sanity today.

Before Kmart can even announce their next Blue Light Special (do they even still do that), Aaron will have announced that he is bored.  We haven’t even had breakfast yet, I will say.  But I have been up for hours already, he will retort.  Yea, like I didn’t know that already.

After breakfast, while I clear the dishes and my mother-in-law watches the TV much too loudly, Ron will ask me what my plans are for the day.  Knowing that “getting as far away from all of you as I can” is probably not my best answer, I shrug.  “Haven’t decided yet.”

I tell the boys it is time to get dressed.  “Why, so we can sit around the house and eat all day?” asks Aaron.  “But, mom, I haven’t even used the computer yet!” complains Nic.  Remember, I tell myself, these are the people I am THANKFUL for…and at least I am not at the mall with a thousand sneezing and coughing strangers all grabbing for the same Furby.

“Let’s go for a walk.  It’s beautiful outside!”  I will encourage them.   

“Then can I use the computer?” Nic will ask.

“Yea.  Like, I don’t think Dad is going to do that. If you really want to go for a walk, maybe that would be good alone time.” Aaron, suggests helpfully.

Like the shopper who arrived too late for the $49.99 portable DVD player, I feel my disappointment setting in.  I’m always surprised how quickly things get back to “normal.”  I am losing my Thanksgiving high – quickly.

Finally, everyone is dressed.  It is already time for lunch.  I suggest turkey sandwiches.  “I’m sick of turkey,” Aaron will whine.  “I still haven’t used the computer,” Nic will groan.  “Whatever you want to make is fine,” my husband will add as he reclines on the couch. My mother-in-law will be staring out the window.  “Does anyone ever drive down this street?  It’s like no one else even lives here!”  I will sigh, bite my tongue and make lunch. 

After lunch, I will suggest we play a game.  Only my mother-in-law will agree to join me.  Realizing that he will now be in charge of the boys, my husband will quickly take a seat at the table.  Within a few minutes, the boys will join us. They will not like the game, even though it is one of their’s. 

“How much longer is this going to take?” Nic will ask. “Since I played the game can I use the computer.”

“I’m hungry,” Aaron will add. ”Can’t we stop playing to have a snack?”

Eventually, the frustration will be too great.  The only one having fun will be my mother-in-law because she hasn’t heard even one of the boys annoying comments.  And, because, much to Aaron’s dismay, she is winning.

Just as the evening round of Black Friday deals are starting and new shoppers flood the stores, my family will ask if we can order Chinese food for dinner.  “But we have all these great leftovers!”  I will say.  “That’s Thanksgiving food, Mom,” Aaron will say.  “And Thanksgiving, in case you haven’t noticed, is over.”

I agree to Chinese food.  The leftovers will keep for a day.  But, I am not ready for Thanksgiving to be over.  I am not ready for it to be Black Friday.  I start to realize that Black Friday is almost over.  Soon, it will be Monday and, at least until Christmas vacation, things will get back to normal.

Yes, on Monday, I will be thankful, again.